Reflections of the sleepout challenge: The impact of fundraising

So who knew Ducks like to play past midnight and not necessarily quietly...I wonder if ducks dream, if so, what about? The questioning mind when sleep deprived!

Laying in my very damp sleeping bag under the glisten of the stars peering through the mist, I try my best to focus on settling my nervous system to rest as much as I can through this cold but relatively pleasantly weathered evening, in grand, nature filled, historic surroundings of the lush Leeds Castle, Kent.

After the event began around 7.30pm, we gathered to listen to the partnership charities leaders and speakers who had received support from them and how they had made a positive difference in their lives. It was heartfelt and reminded us all why we were taking part in this event. Forward to 11pm and it's settle down time. Quicker than expected my comrades start to drift to sleep... Phew I'm not the only one who snores! It's peaceful but annoyingly the castle grounds is very close to the A and M20 so I can constantly hear traffic noise vibrating through the otherwise serene and haunting grounds.

I decide to try and focus on the stars, manifesting and meditating in my own way in hope I might also visit the land of snores... But as well as being conscious of my pain levels rising, praying for my leg not to cramp and spasm, hip and back already aching ...I can't help but think back to the talks from the phenomenonal women who shared their lived experiences with us and other interactions I've had this week.

How invisible and alone they felt, how they were wishing the hours away... Waiting for the morning... The angst of the night to be over...to repeat almost leading a double life during days and nights, caught in a vicious cycle of hopelessness. The shame, fear and embarrassment, the dreading every interaction with a person approaching them, may be their last. Listening to them made my heart break. How dare I even question any uncomfortableness I may be experiencing.

I summon up my mental tactics often used in my years of martial art practice, focus the mind, the body will follow... I begin to visualise heat and healing through my body.

My mind wanders to two women I encountered this week and how they were so grateful and surprised by what are really small acts of respect and kindness. A distressed woman at a busy train station was being ignored repeatedly when asking for help. I saw her looking defeated and shrinking herself into the backdrop of the hustle and bustle ... shaken from whatever had previously been said to her. She was taken aback when I calmly approached and asked if she was OK and could I help her in anyway, I did what I could in that moment.. She was just constantly trying to reassure me she was a good person in a bad situation. I assured her she didn't need to justify, convince or explain anything to me. She looked so relieved to be heard and accepted and her eyes welled up with tears. The same day a woman apologised to me for possibly offending me by being near me whilst I was waiting outside a shop for my daughter in my local town. I was confused at first and then I noticed she began to raid the top of the bin next to where I was standing ... I asked what she was after and she said discarded tobacco but went onto to say how people are always offended or judging her... Again I assured her she didn't need to explain anything to me and I offered her some of my roll ups from my tin. She was cautious but thankful, but I noticed she was more thankful and surprised when I offered her to pick them out herself from my tin. She told me she liked my nails, I said I liked her lipstick colour. Then we wished each other a nice day, but that small interaction, of human connection, gave that woman's spirit a lift... You could see the difference in her movement as she walked away, the way her eyes softened when we spoke realising she wasn't being judged.

It's the small things that matter, noticing positive things about each other and sharing... The sometimes forgotten art of basic human decency, as well as the big things like fundraising.

Every scary statistic we hear or talk about, Yes gives an important impression of the societal impact and issues... But it is the real people, the real existence of someone's relative, friend and loved one who is facing the harsh reality where that data is collected from and used in reports to highlight the otrocious hardships and trauma people are experiencing every single day.

But it's not enough to be aware... Change happens when people take action.

For me, at this time in my life, this sleepout experience - it is a choice. A safe choice. In a secure environment with people actively encouraging it (many think I'm a little crazy but we all have our personal perspectives) and whilst there are difficulties for me, and it is uncomfortable- there is a secure building with toilets, hot drinks and soup available. If the weather was to turn badly we have shelter to run to. Other than the welcome period, I made a point of not allowing myself to have these perks as in a real life scenario it would be unlikely these would be available and I wanted to honour the challenge throughout the night at least.

All taking part have come prepared.I gathered very basic but necessary essentials, I used a shower curtain as a groundsheet, a small sleeping mat, sleeping bag, fleece lined leggings, hat, pj's, coats, hiking socks...

But if you have to flee voilence and abuse, or something unexpectedly tragic happens, forced into a street environment or somewhere there is no facilities of comfort or security, You don't get to have the basics straight away. You don't necessarily know of the support that is available to you or your children.

That's why I have taken part in this. This is no way a replica of what it feels like to be homeless, terrified, frozen, engulfed in uncertainty. This was a relatively pleasant safe experience... But it does make you prioritise and rethink. You are able to feel more confident and willing to have these needed conversations and help people try to not take their own experience and privileges for granted.

As the sun rises over the misty lake surrounding the castle grounds, breaking through the chill of the night, the ducks finally pretending they are asleep, I am blessed to be returning home to the security of my house and running water, a change of clothes and eventually after a day of working, my bed. I am very aware of my privileges and I ask that everyone just take a moment and have a thought about your own.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for the many generous donations, supportive messages and sharing. It's a collaborative effort, (with huge thanks to ceosleepoutkent and Oasis DA Service, Amber and porchlight) to fundraise and it's a great example of how working together with kindness, passion, empathy and creativity can really create positive change for people as individuals but for the greater good as a whole.

Donations are still being encouraged and collected for the next few weeks, so please if you feel inspired to help make changes, donate via my link in the comments.

Take care,

Love, The Feminist Ambivert xx